Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
