Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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