shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
wrigley field is MILF paradise
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
