She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
