nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
