I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
