I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
