Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
