Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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