So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize