Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
