I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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