why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
