i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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