Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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