I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
All I want is dick and wine.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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