I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
