Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
