Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
