i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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