The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
