Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
farters have to be the big spoon...
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Randomize
