Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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