Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Randomize
