I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
A+ Viking dick
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