I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
