at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
