You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
