It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
