Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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