where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
