Will you blow on my dice?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
