i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Randomize
