my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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