Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
