so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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