Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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