fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
