I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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