i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
