I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
