first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
