Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize