I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Randomize
