non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Randomize