I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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