worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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