too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
