i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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