I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
