Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
