She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
this will be a night to untag.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
