I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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