I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
