I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
