Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
