this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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