Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Randomize
