Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
