I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
