i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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