the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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