This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
