ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize