My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize